Sry I called you an 8
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
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