Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
