she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
