we have officially lost it.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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