I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
