Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
