I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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