after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
