sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
