i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
