im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
what the fuck happened to the tacos
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
