I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
