update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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