Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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