3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
