In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
