Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
