1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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