She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
