in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
