i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You took a bar mat shot.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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