Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
