I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
