and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
