This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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