Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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