im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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