i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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