i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
