i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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