How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
