I can text with my tongue
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
