we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
