I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
