well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
