Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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