Apparently you make a good broom.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
