Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
