I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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