She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you will always have a special place in my vag
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
