i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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