I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
