I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
