This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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