Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
