3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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