So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
