i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
