If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
