it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
