No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
